Today is the day, where i have been waiting for a long long time. The day i am scared that it will come, and the day that i wished could faster be over. 11th January 2010. The results are out, and it's over. I was told it's over. You can't believe how stun i was when i saw the numbers staring at me. I was just lost for words at the moment. I don't know what to say or what to do - I am just appalled!
After getting to know what happened, i realised it's really really wasted. It's as though fate is toying with me again. I seriously hate fate because it has been toying with me all the time, and this time round i really couldn't believe i am at it's mercy again. I just refuse to succumb to it. But why must it drag down people around me as well? I feel unjust for them! Sigh. Strange enough, i'm still carrying hope in my heart - something is still telling me not to give up. But what else is there left? Is all the fanciful 'daydreams' going to be true at all? I wish they were.
This time round the feeling i felt is totally different from last year. I felt worse than getting my own results. I just... I don't even know how to describe already. I'm lost for words, perhaps due to my serious lacking of sleep. I stayed up almost whole night yesterday, leaving my pile of homework undone, but trying to solve a particular code. I am sorry to that particular someone i didn't follow what was told to me, and pursue on to try and break the code. It's not purely for fun - I don't enjoy torturing myself late at night, it's more of to understand what is going on. It's different from restricting you or whatsoever, i am just trying to know you better, to understand you better. The concern just automatically come out of me. I just hope i could do more; constantly struggling here and there just to do a little more that perhaps go unappreciated, but it's okay. Any little bit i could contribute means something to me. I know i haven't made been successful attempts but at least i do hope that there are small successful attempts. I don't want you to be sad, although i know it's inevitable, but i still don't want. =X
How i wish i could just hold on to you tight, and tell you everything is going to be alright - but i am just not good enough.Dead, or alive? o.O
11:59:00 pm