Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stupid me. Stupid plan. Stupid mind. Why do i come out with all sorts of stupid ideas? Why i have to do all this stupid things? My intention is good, but so what? My actions ain't good - not at all. I'm at my wits end already - that's why i came up with stupid ideas. What should i do? Don't bother? That is what people tell me - even someone too. Don't think i never tried - I did. I just couldn't bear to. I just can't don't bother at all. It's all too important to me already. It has already occupied so much of my mind, that whenever i thought of it, it would become my first priority. I would even lose my way if i kept focusing on pondering about it. It's written in my DNA, my genes. It is my personality, something that i cannot change that easily. I am just plain weird - even i describe myself as that.
I am just so easily intimidated by someone. Good example would be my SYFC instructor. Being next to him, i just somehow can't perform to my fullest potential. I just tend to screw up here and there and my confidence just vanished. He told me today i wasn't confident enough, and that whether i get into Phase II or not all depends on my confidence level in my last sortie for Phase I. Will i get pass this?
I grew to hate MSN whenever i want to say something deep from the heart. I don't know why, but i just feel that MSN is simply inadequate as a platform to transmit that info. It is just like something dead, something insignificant. To me it's like MSN brings the life away from the words deep down inside. It just made them seemed so emotionless, and make me unaware of how what i have said affected the other person over at the other end of the computer. MSN brings away the life in the words. I have no idea how i become so linguistic suddenly, but i think words carry a lot more meaning to it then the meaning from the dictionary. After all we are all humans, not some robot that is programmed to spit out words that only meant the 'dictionary meaning'.
The more important something is to me, the more depress i will become when things go wrong.How important do you think this is? At a loss. =X
10:51:00 pm
Monday, April 20, 2009
It pains my heart, it really pains my heart just now. It's like needles piercing through one by one - the pain didn't come so quickly, and i was being so indifferent about it till now. I acted so nonchalant, been so sarcastic. I guess i was mad at myself just now. Now that i taken a cool shower and regained my composure, my mind is finally thinking straight. I really can't fathom my actions just now.
It's like i am going through my O levels all over again. However, this time the feeling is much worse than before. I rather i was the one sitting the O levels and i am the one who has to go through all this. Now i realised how fortunate i was to be able to be able to survive my year. I don't want all that happened to me last year to happen to you, not even a single bit. It's just like looking straight at my reflection - things i wish i didn't do and regretted deeply come replaying back. What's done cannot be undone. My time is over and i can't really do anything about it. But yours ain't.
I know i am being extremely selfish. I can't help it. I am really afraid of losing you. Maybe staying here isn't really the best for you, but i choose to ignore any other options, because i really really hope you could stay here and not go back at all. But who am i to decide your life? Who am i to force you? I am like forcing you to perform well so that you can stay, forcing you to try your best to no matter what. Sometimes i get overwhelmed by the desire for you to stay and end up like trying to control your life. I can't pull myself away from this. I'm stuck.
I used to really owl till quite late at night. By that time, it's already morning already since it's passed 12 midnight. I didn't really enjoyed that myself, and i told myself that i would change umpteen times, but i just wouldn't. I was worn out in the morning easily, even when i sat for exam papers or class test or whatever test. Due to the state of my wearied mind, i was never able to score to my fullest potential - often screwing the paper up due to careless mistakes or forgotten whatever that i have studied etc. Nothing stays in my brain when i'm tired, and i'm sure it's the same for the rest too.
The last straw was drawn when i had my prelim 3 results out. I don't want to elaborate on it, but you know what happened, i hope. I finally decided to change. I slept early at night because i was usually worn out from studying in the day. That time onwards, my mind worked much better, and i could take rest whenever there is lesser work to do. That is obviously much better than when you are forced to rest because you are too tired but you still have tons of work to do. Of course i am able to control my mind much better and get the motivation to study much easier. My memory power increased and of course my mood gets better while i was studying. Don't you want all these? o.O
Enough of my story. If you are really going for it, I don't want to let you sink deeper and deeper into it now. If not sooner or later you will just can't get to sleep, and things will go worse. I know best since i been through it once. 12 midnight becomes 1am, 1am becomes 2am, 2am becomes 3am. If your body pushes you into sleep, then you definitely won't get a good one. I was able to correct my habit, so can you. If you are willing, i can guide you to it. I don't enjoy being naggy. But i just can't stand by and do nothing when you are repeating my process. I nag because i care. Sleep early please! xD
Your life can change drastically at any moment. Don't take life or the people that you love for granted, you're only here once.You are only here once too. Took me close to 4 hours to post this. =X
8:39:00 pm
Sunday, April 19, 2009
This should be posted yesterday, but somehow i decided to prioritise something else over this, so this got postponed till today. Haha. Alright. Friday went back to the POP of CHS NCC AIR Part Ds 09. I felt rather nostalgic there seeing so many of the Part Ds 08 coming back as well. This time round i'm the photographer, and not the one throwing my beret anymore. Oh and Mr Wee was doing some school video, so beng heng and i got interviewed after we rejected him a few times. It was much of impromptu so i tried my best to give the best answer that come to my mind.
Back to POP. Well, Part As 07 / Part Bs 08, the one part that i took before during my term as Part B UDI 07/08, has taken over the unit now as NCOs. All i can say is that i'm proud of them that they have made it thus far, but it's a whole new thing now - they are now the ones in charge - the NCOs. To the current NCOs, show it to me what you all can do, just like how you showed it to me when i was your UDI. It just feel so nostalgic that now they are once again 'under' me. However, it's no longer the same. I wish them all the best! Stay as ONE! xD And to the Part Ds 09 that just passed out, good luck for your O levels! xD
Oh yea. We had water bomb after POP and surprisingly Mr Goh Kee Yong didn't really stop us. He just told Benedict to tell us to clean up after we're done and make sure there's no plastic bags lying around, or else if he finds one, everyone is going to be in deep trouble. Amazing! He must be in good mood! xP
Saturday i had my 4th sortie (flight). My instructor, Goh CL, is flying with another PPL student of his, so i ended up planned to fly with CFI, Tan SK. However, he's sick so i ended up flying with OM! LOL. He's simply amazing. Frankly speaking, i kind of miss Goh CL a little at the start, thinking gosh i'm screwed, when i screwed up my departure procedures. He was a nice person, really. Even when he's scolding, he scold in such friendly attitude that he's smiling even. Haha. I sort of feel less intimidated, and i did quite well with my straight and level! xD Oh and i finally got a 5.0 for my flight! xD That is quite impossible to achieve for Goh CL, because he's strict. Well, my confidence in boosted now, and i'm still aiming to get a 5 from my instructor. :) Wish me luck!
Last but not least today. Today is a tiring day, yet a happy day too. xD I shall not go into details taking into account the time and the amount of stuff left for me to do. I went to watch a movie with Anthony. He treated me to it because his friend last minute couldn't make it, after he had purchased the tickets. Haha. Funny thing is i rushed down to northpoint and meet him, and he couldn't find his ticket!!! RAH! Ended up he drop it behind him and i found it! WTH. Phew! :) We watched Fast and Furious. It's actually quite okay - not that bad. That's all. :)
Everyone has 24 hours a day. There is no such thing as no time for something - it is just that you prioritise another thing over it.What have you prioritise something over another thing? o.O
10:43:00 pm
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'Pepsi drawer' with his foot!A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears.A simple friend brings a gifts to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!Happy International Friendship week people! xD Haha. I read the above from a forwarded mail that has been circling around. Somehow coincidentally some things happened and sparked off this post. Lols. It's really true. Sometimes, your best friends are just so close to you, they just feel indifferent teasing you etc. They don't really intend to make you angry of course - it is just purely for fun. You know they never really intend to harm you; if they do they won't be your friends in the first place. Good friends will definitely treat you the way you treat them. So next time before you get angry over teases from your best friend, think of ways to tease him/her back first. xP
Treat others the way you want others to treat you.Always there. xD
11:50:00 pm
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I make sure i post this now. I am super duper happy for a certain reason, and i just can't stop smiling to myself. xP Anyone see how i behave now might think i need some medical attention at the 'Hougang Chalet' commonly known as the Woodbridge Hospital or Institute of Mental Health. Haha. I am just overwhelmed by this urge to smile widely - i just can't control it. Happy happy! xD
Alright. Time to chill and get some sleep. :)
The power to make the night bright is the power that made my heart shine.Super duper happy! xD
12:26:00 am
Friday, April 10, 2009
I was contemplating about whether i should start blogging now. I have not blog for a certain number of days. Yes, i was busy, but that is only part of the reason. The other part is exactly what happened just now. Every time i had an urge to blog, i began adding into consideration other factors - questions such as "what do i have to blog?", "how long would i spend blogging?", "shouldn't i be sleeping instead of blogging?" etc came diving into my mind. The result of that? I ended up not blogging.
It's not really a big deal about whether i blog or not. It's not like my blog is going to run away or it'll change or anything. It's the matter of fact that this sort of things happen to us unknowingly. By "this", i meant we kept questioning ourselves whenever we are deciding whether to do something or not. I am not trying to say that we do should not ponder over our actions before we do something - that is a downright stupid thing to do. What i am trying to say is that, perhaps at some point of time, we over question ourselves, so much that we began to doubt ourselves. I guess "paranoid" will be a good word to use to describe that.
Being paranoid will really hinder your progress. When you lost hope of yourself or the thing you are doing, you will unintentionally lose your motivation to carry on as well. That is the time where you will go into your pit stop and then stop for a period of time, long or short, until some other things happen that bring your motivation back and gets you going along the road. Opportunities don't come by often, and time and tide waits for no man. Opportunities and time are things that when gone, will never ever come back again. You may come across another opportunity similar to something before, but you lost the chance to have the opportunity to try again if you failed the first time. Time really is drifting by - sometimes so quickly that we may lose sense of it.
Come on. I believe you can do it, and you got to believe in yourself too. "Trust yourself, rely on yourself..." I know it is hard, because i myself tends to doubt myself too. You really won't know the results of things unless you try - you are no fortune teller, so you can't tell the future. Your mind is your driving force, so you got to keep it fresh, so that it will be able to work together with your heart and push yourself on. Staying happy will be the catalyst, because it keeps your mind fresh. :)
According to Newton's Third Law, you motivate me in one way, i will motivate you back in another way, and together, we will move forward.4am. Time to sleep. =X
3:23:00 am
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Read this at john lau's blog. Most of you all should visit his blog i suppose, but no harm reading it again. I must say, it is an interesting and meaningful post that is worth reading. Here goes:
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desire for children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job – Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
That's all for his post. It's really something worth thinking about. I know i promised the post about my 1st flight, but i am really not in the mood to do it now. Sorry. =X
Cherish what you have now in the best way you can, for you may not know when it will be gone.Gone? Don't know. =X
10:29:00 pm
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Wow! I don't know how to describe today. Wonderful? Not really everything is that wonderful. Bad? Not really that bad either. I think i shall use the adjective interesting. Haha. :)
I totally knocked out in Chemistry lecture today - my first ever time in AJ that i totally knock out for the whole lecture! It's really rare that i can't control myself and just led myself away and drift off into my sleep. Lols. I suppose the lecture is not as soporific either - well at least it's better than some of the other lectures. xP Economics tutorial followed up next, and i suddenly lost all concentration and dropped into my own world. Fortunately i got it back in the nick of time. Phew.
Lunch break after that sort of salvaged my last bit of energy left i guess. Then was the "Civics Lesson". LOL. We had a super duper interesting "Civics Lesson" ever! Haha. I think we spent it playing all sorts of 'violent' games. Haha. There was some miscommunication in the venue for the lesson i suppose, so we ended up enjoying ourselves and going wild. It seemed like we are back into the orientation period again. It's just so cool alright! 10/09 ROCKS! xD
After dismissal, i had some time on my hand before i need to make my way to SYFC for my 1st sortie (flight). I wasted the time away by taking MRT together with Wan Yu, Gong Yi and Jefferson when i can just take 86 from the bus stop opposite AJ to SYFC. I just take and take until woodlands and went to take 858 from there instead, and ended up almost late. LOL. Weird me. I think i should talk about my 1st sortie tomorrow. For now, i think i need some rest to recuperate first. xP
We must learn to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. GET WELL SOON! xDAbsolutely interesting. xD
11:24:00 pm