Friday, January 22, 2010
Have you ever indirectly caused someone that you don't want him/her to be emo to emo? I think it doesn't feel good if you did, does it? It feels like failing your A levels - no, perhaps much worse then that. Sigh.
The day is approaching, but i am still having the hope that there would be a surprise, a miracle, or anything to be happy about. Am i daydreaming? I don't know, but i sincerely wish that i am not.
我愿意担心你一辈子, 但也请你照顾好自己, 别在让我担心你了好吗?林達浪与陳寶茱
1:39:00 am
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Hmm... i better blog now just in case i get lazy later and then i wouldn't be blogging. Haha. xP Today something special happened in AJC's auditorium. The lights just went off including the projector screen when we were in the midst of our economics lecture. Power failure? o.O Nope. The microphone was still working. Blackout in the school? Nope. I checked with others and found out that all other electrical in the school was still normally functioning! That's the interesting thing! Weird. So anyway, we had a quite cool lecture in the auditorium. Lecture without lights and with handphones as our light source to see our notes! SMS that openly is nice! It was a nice experience! :)
My stomach's feeling weird recently. Stomach aches, nauseous feelings etc. Are they caused by lack of sleep? Probably, or rather, i hope so. They better be cured as soon as i get my rest - question is when? o.O Sigh... Another day is coming. It seems like nothing can stay good for long recently? And my body is suffering the consequences. =.= Haiis. Alright. I am super high now but super blur now, so i don't know what else should i say already. Maybe next time! :)
Wouldn't it be nice to know something good that is hidden from you by a false bad outside? :)Reasons and excuses. xP
6:36:00 pm
Friday, January 15, 2010
I am emotionally unstable now. I feel like i am losing control of my mind already. My mind is still in that lazy mode that don't feel like doing anything at all. It's making me into a completely useless person. How can i wake myself up? :( Enough of all this already. I feel like an idiot now - a completely useless idiot. I can't even control my brain to do things; it's like it is controlling me, instead of the other way round! -.- What in the world is wrong with me? Sick till i lost my brain? Or is it what happened in December? o.O I have no idea.
I spent my free days in December basically rotting - like a totally useless person. Sleep and sleep and sleep, whole day clicking on the computer doing nothing, and that's it. Luckily i still got some jobs, so apparently i didn't waste it totally. Ever since after 5th December, i seemed to like give up on myself - being extremely lazy and don't care about everything. And i think that's how i still feel now, perhaps worse. Somebody help?
It seems like i experienced a similar situation before at the start of Secondary 3, but i think this time round it has gotten worse. I think i am living in some dream land. I just continue to imagine and dream without any work to it. But things are not going to get done if i just dream and imagine, they need actual work! The thing is i'm not doing it! I know i repeated that many times in this post. I am trying to tell myself that it's really really time to wake up. I don't think that will be of much use since i have told myself countless times that in previous posts, but it's still worth a try. I need to get my brain back. I need to work hard. I need to be myself again. How do i protect someone if i can't even protect myself?! Wake up you idiot!
If that 'you' is referring to me, and the thing is what i am thinking, then i understand.Wake up.
1:16:00 am
Monday, January 11, 2010
Today is the day, where i have been waiting for a long long time. The day i am scared that it will come, and the day that i wished could faster be over. 11th January 2010. The results are out, and it's over. I was told it's over. You can't believe how stun i was when i saw the numbers staring at me. I was just lost for words at the moment. I don't know what to say or what to do - I am just appalled!
After getting to know what happened, i realised it's really really wasted. It's as though fate is toying with me again. I seriously hate fate because it has been toying with me all the time, and this time round i really couldn't believe i am at it's mercy again. I just refuse to succumb to it. But why must it drag down people around me as well? I feel unjust for them! Sigh. Strange enough, i'm still carrying hope in my heart - something is still telling me not to give up. But what else is there left? Is all the fanciful 'daydreams' going to be true at all? I wish they were.
This time round the feeling i felt is totally different from last year. I felt worse than getting my own results. I just... I don't even know how to describe already. I'm lost for words, perhaps due to my serious lacking of sleep. I stayed up almost whole night yesterday, leaving my pile of homework undone, but trying to solve a particular code. I am sorry to that particular someone i didn't follow what was told to me, and pursue on to try and break the code. It's not purely for fun - I don't enjoy torturing myself late at night, it's more of to understand what is going on. It's different from restricting you or whatsoever, i am just trying to know you better, to understand you better. The concern just automatically come out of me. I just hope i could do more; constantly struggling here and there just to do a little more that perhaps go unappreciated, but it's okay. Any little bit i could contribute means something to me. I know i haven't made been successful attempts but at least i do hope that there are small successful attempts. I don't want you to be sad, although i know it's inevitable, but i still don't want. =X
How i wish i could just hold on to you tight, and tell you everything is going to be alright - but i am just not good enough.Dead, or alive? o.O
11:59:00 pm
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It's officially the last day of the holidays, for the JC students of course. I know that the secondary school and primary school students have started school a week ago, and the lucky O level graduates are still waiting for their results which is coming out tomorrow. I believe there's many out there who are just like me, having a huge pile of homework undone and staring at it, wondering how we will die tomorrow. Haha. You will never be alone! Lol.
Oh and i just finished my Chemistry e-lecture, and guess what, i actually felt happy that i finished something! What a joke. I still have like a huge pile of work undone!! Jiayou Samuel Wong! You can do it de! Well... maybe not finish all, but at least, as much as possible? That's assuming i stay away from the computer which includes what i am doing now, blogging. -.- And there's piano lesson later as well. Wow and i'm really feeling the stress. But the stress for tomorrow is still very much larger. I really really wish for a miracle man! :)
After all has been done, it eventually sets down and just depends on one man's decision.Miracle please. :)
4:00:00 pm
Saturday, January 09, 2010
My stomach is still not feeling any better. I just feel stomach pain all of a sudden and it will go away. I hope it's nothing serious. =X Anyway, my mind has been fully occupied by the date 11th January 2010. It's my first day of school, as well as the release of the GCE O Levels results and the results for the people who took the retest. I know the only thing that concern me should be only the first day of school, which apparently means i have to start on the pile of homework i have not even touched for the whole holidays, and more work to come. But that's only on the outside. I guess rare few people get what i meant when i say the other two are more important to me, especially the O Levels results. Have fun guessing why is that so, because if you know, you know, if you don't, i guess you would never know. :)
Actually, i would have hoped that i need not return to school on monday. It's not because i have a pile of work unfinished, but i would like to be somewhere else. Last year, when i took my results, i have someone to encourage me, to calm me down, and this year i want to be that someone in return. But my timetable doesn't allow me to. All i can do now is to quickly finish my homework so that i will not be bothered by it on that day. I want it to be the happiest day of my life till now! I hope it can be! :D I wish for a miracle man! :D Alright time for work...
I have not been that happy for such a long long long long long long time! xDMy heart is smiling again! Thanks. xD
6:56:00 pm
Friday, January 08, 2010
"也许, 我们都对自己最在乎的人太过严格了, 不是吗?"
I heard this sentence recently, and i found it very meaningful. Do you think that is true? o.O To the someone out there, i don't know if you are still reading this. But if you are, i would like to say although i don't know what's the reason for all this change in you, why things must become like this, what in the world are you trying to do, but i still believe one day you will become the same old you. And the very fact that you are still here reading this means you care, and you actually reply me despite claiming that i'm annoying when you can actually just ignore me. I don't know what you are trying to escape on, but i feel really really sad not being able to share any of your burdens. :(
Haiz. Things are getting more and more complicated, or is it just me? No i don't think so. I am screwing myself up lately. See the time now and i'm still not sleeping, and once i sleep, i can't get up. Something feels missing from my life. I lost the ability to laugh from my heart. It's gone. But will it be recovered? o.O I guess it all depends on the that very fateful day, and it's going to come really soon. 11th January. And just great. The results for the retest would be coming out on the 11th too. That's a lot of my friends being affected on that day. Although i don't have any results, i do have my FIRST day of school on that day. -.-
I seriously don't wish to go back to school, because i don't know how can i handle what is going on. What if the miracle didn't happen? What if fate still remains as cruel? What if things don't turn for the better? Unforgettable JC life. It's really unforgettable, but it's not about the JC, it's more about the things that happened in the previous year. Can i don't see a repeat this year? Of course the good things are welcomed, but i genuinely hope that the bad things can stay away? Else i really don't know how can i handle them. Enough of being an owl already. Enough of escaping from my problems. Enough of staying on the bed and refusing to get up, just because i want to 'see what happens next in my dreams'. -.- What exactly is going on in my world? It's like in total chaos now. :(
On a lighter note, i may get addicted to swimming now. It really helps me to forget everything for that very moment, and just concentrate on how may laps i have swam. I swam 6 laps for warm up and 16 laps after that on both days that i went to Yishun SAFRA (6th and 7th Jan). It helps my thinking too, perhaps to clear my mind. But i realised my happiness does not last long as usual, and there i am back to face everything again. Swimming seems like a good way to escape for awhile. At least it's like exercise and prevent me from getting fat. Haha. Alright. Time to get some sleep. :)
Would you go all the way to help someone, to hope that someone would just turn back, to wait for her no matter how long? I would.if i known you earlier...
4:16:00 am
Thursday, January 07, 2010
I realised it's been days since i last blogged. I am getting lazier and lazier, but i cannot continue like this. Wake up Samuel Wong! AHH!! I began to like quiet recently. I prefer night than days now. Peace. Quiet. Solitude. But no. It will kill me, cause there's a huge pile of work waiting for me to do. WAKE UP!! No. Sleep time. -.-
Putting on a happy mask is tiring.but i have to be...
2:27:00 am
Friday, January 01, 2010
"I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Little? I guess should be very! Haha. I chance upon this quote somewhere and i believe this shows why it is all worth it. :)
Hmm... i went to dinner after i type those. But now it's officially 2.30am on the 2nd of Jan, and i got to wake up at 4am later to go to my cousin house as today is his wedding day. It would be a busy day, so i guess i should go get some rest now and blog about what i actually wanted to blog about sometime later! :)
Action speaks louder than words... but sometimes actions are just not enough.Sleepy.
7:00:00 pm