Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Yet another Wednesday that i am posting, although this time it is at the earliest time. Perhaps you may wonder what in the world am i doing at this hour. Mugging? PW? Homework? No. None of them. Believe it or not, i am sitting here listening to piano pieces on youtube and staring into the computer screen, while countless thoughts race through my brain like how rain drops fell onto earth. I am totally overwhelmed by them. I can't sleep, that is why i am here typing this post.
Am i too free? On the contrary. I have a huge pile of work to do. There is still in no order of importance, Written Report for PW, I&R for PW, Promos in a week plus time to prepare for, Leadership Camp to plan for, and the list goes on and on and on. I am like torn between everything - I don't know which is more important, which is not. My brain tells me this is more important, my heart tells me otherwise, my actions goes another way. They all just don't seem to work together. This isn't good for me. In fact, this will kill me at this rate. I have no idea how to handle this.
People around me ain't doing fantastically well either. I do not wish to talk about what happen to them, but i sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, that they would be able to cope with whatever they are struggling to cope with now. I want to have smiling faces around me, not any other kinds of faces. So people, please do me and do yourself a favour!
I am stuck in between wishing these days to pass as soon as possible, so i can be free from all the load stack onto me, emotionally and physically, and wishing the days to be longer so i would have more time to do what i need to do. But i can't change anything, could I? I think blogging really gives me a time to sit quietly and reflect upon my actions. I seem to be able to correct myself as i type. But how long can that last? I wonder. I have to throw my emotional load away from me, at least for this moment. The emotional load gathers will crush me, and as soon as it does, i am as good as dead. That cannot happen! I cannot fall! I made promises, and i have to deliver them! SIMPLE AS THAT! If i fall and i am the only one affected, it's perfectly alright. But the thing is that i will affect others too, so i can't fall! I just can't!
Time to wake up from all this. There just ain't enough time for me to waste anymore. There may not be even enough time to do the work, much less waste anymore time away just because of my emotions. Emotions ain't everything, and i DO NOT need to entertain them at all. Time to leave them at one side, get my things done, and then come back. But that doesn't mean i will leave anyone behind. Those that know me will know that i never will. It's 3.18 already. Time to sleep! :)
The biggest regret in my life is that i didn't get to know you earlier. :(Time is running out. =X
2:48:00 am
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's been a week since i last posted. My tagboard is still quite dead. I guess it's either everyone is busy preparing for the upcoming prelims/Os/promos/eoys and so on or people really do not understand my posts. Hmm... since when anyone does?
These days weren't easy for me to pass. In fact, there is a constant thing keep resounding in my brain, as if it's a hypnotism that sent me thinking and thinking into my own world - oblivious of what is happening around me. Can it be considered as daydreaming? Perhaps. Anyway, i have finally started doing work, not really much of studying yet, because everything is still quite in a mess, but at least that's a good start. I wonder how long that will last. o.O There's something that keep my going. That is when i dive deep into doing work, the work i am doing is predominant in my mind, and that i am 'saved' from thinking about some stuff for that period of time - that is if i could concentrate. It seems the best way of doing things.
There seems to be lots of things that i am puzzled with. All the phenomenons left me with no clue as to the reason(s) why they are happening. In the end, i will have to resort to guessing and finding stuff to be convince myself that i am right. But am i really right? I have no idea. It seems too many things are hidden from me, and the truth is concealed under many layers and layers of false information, which may end up being the truth. Nothing makes sense to me as to why they are happening. They are just happening. I know they ARE happening cause i can feel so, even though i was told it isn't. I trust my feelings on that.
I lack a sense of direction. It seems that i can only let things be as they are now. I can't do anything if i am not allowed to, so it really makes no difference whether or not i know what is going on. I am not entrusted the task of changing things anymore. Was i entrusted before or was it my own wishful thinking? No idea. There are lots and lots of unanswered question, and the list could only go on and on. As the days passed and the final day approaches, i wonder how things will turn out. =X
Will time reveal the real truth hidden deep inside your heart?Confused, but holding on! :)
3:01:00 pm
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
I realised my blogging frequency have been greatly minimized to the bare minimum. Haha. In fact, you can safely say that i don't actually blog anymore. That partially explains why my tagboard is so dead. Actually, even if i do blog, my tagboard still will remain quite dormant since not many people can understand what i am blogging about. Don't you all agree? I am assuming there's still people checking this rotting blog for a long awaited update - otherwise, i will be talking to air. :)
Anyway, my mind has been largely preoccupied recently by many many many stuff - as many as you can imagine. They are not exactly schoolwork - in fact, since when school work will be kept in my mind? Haha. I always forget about them fast. Maybe you will start asking me what am i so preoccupied about, but i really can't say. So don't start imagining things. If you're so free, spare me some time, would you? :)
Haha. I lack the inspiration these days. Sometimes i have the sudden urge of blogging, but it just fades off so quickly. I created quite a number of post before this, but i never managed to complete them. I think my mind has been constantly bombarded by lots of stuff going on, until things just change suddenly - and the worse thing is, it could only get worse as the end of the year approaches. I seriously need to get a hold of myself before something happens again. It seems like i get better and better controlling myself thanks to a certain someone who 'trains' me to do so. xP
Promotional Examinations. This is coming real soon, but i am of course super not prepared, and i am not even preparing yet! What's with all the talk and goals and whatever, but i just can't control myself to do it? I don't know. Don't i always go against what i say? Those who knows me well should agree with that. :) I haven't really found an effective way to study - a way that could keep me going on and on studying. Things around me just change too fast for me to catch up, much less devise a plan of what to do. I think if i found a way to just even convert 50% of what i think to actions, it's already an magnificent feat. I think perhaps even 10% too! I would have accomplish a lot if i could do that. Great ideas without actions = nothing! =X What should i do? o.O
Lots and lots of questions left unanswered. I don't know the rationale behind it, but i do hope that i could know even if it's nothing good. :)Does anyone understand what i am posting about? o.O
7:38:00 pm