Sunday, June 28, 2009
Now now now... How did i become like this? What happen to my resolve? What happen to my determination? What happened to my motivation? Where's all my drive at the start of the year? ALL GONE?! No. It has not been forgotten - not yet. So why have i become like this?
I supposed many things happened along the way through this half a year - too many things in fact. There were lots of ups, and there were certainly lots of downs too as well. One by one it passed, and it shapes me up, though at the same time it worn me out too. It's getting worse and worse as the end of the year approaches - tougher and tougher it will become. I have lost myself, and i let myself sink in and in, to a state i completely lose control of myself. What is this?! What happen to all my aims, goals and targets already?!?!
NO. NO WAY it's going to carry on like this. It's time to wake up. Tomorrow marks the start of a new term - a busy one. It also marks the start of the second half of the year. Last but not least, it's the first day of mid years. I know many people out there are dreading the start of tomorrow. I used to dread it too, but now i don't. I look forward to the arrival of tomorrow. It's not that i am prepared already - i am not, but i will be! It's just like what my flying instructor scolded me. I let the error appear in front of me. I did not make any corrections and just let it be. Then the error aggravates, and i still continue to let it be. I know this took a long time, but no way i am going to allow this error to aggravate anymore. This time round, it's going to be corrected! IT WILL BE! xD
I realised it has always been the pot calling the kettle black - for both ways.The cold exterior... along with the warm interior. xD
7:23:00 pm
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Was dragged out of bed early this morning again, thanks to me having my 8th Simulator Flight today. Well, it went on quite smoothly, which was rather unexpected, because my past experiences when i had lack of sleep, i usually screw things up terribly. Perhaps it's caused i was rather relax about it? Haha. It seems rather true; you really need to have a relax but prepared attitude towards things before you can excel in them. Too much of either relax or stressed up is not good - balance is the best! :)
Very often, some or rather most of us will go on the relax too much first, and in the end we end up stressing ourselves out because of the limited time left at the eleventh hour. The rare few (correct me if i'm wrong) would stress themselves out first, but couldn't cope and try to relax, and once they do, they don't see the motivation to stress up again. That's how imbalance this is. I guess it's time for me to really strive for the balance - that thin line that i have to set foot upon, and not fall over to either side. I think that's how i will be able to cope with everything i have now, and still stay happy and cheerful. The question would be really how do i do it? I don't know but i hope i will be able to figure out in time - that is before anything disastrous happen, and there is still time to salvage the situation. I certainly hope so, and i hope for all the best! :)
No matter what happens - good or bad, tough or easy, or whatever, I will be there to go through it with you. :)Watch over me please.
11:22:00 am
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Before my blog is classified as "yet another emo blog", i better do something about it! xP Today was quite a fun and happy day - despite a certain portion of it, but overall it's still quite happy, up till now. It feels really great to be cheerful - like everything lit up again! xD
This two days were as if there were some lazy worm curling up my spine. I can't fathom why i am so tired nowadays - as though i never sleep for a long long time. Bleh. I become so restless after that though, but at least today wasn't so bad. Smiling do helps to take away that weariness in you. xP Ahh crap! But i'm feeling lazy when i'm alone, so i ain't doing any work, and mid years is coming, how? o.O
Anyway, to all the Catholic High Secondary 4 students having Prelim 2 now, all the best! :)
You will like things that you do well in naturally and feel happy about them! :)SANGUINE!! xD
7:32:00 pm
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sometimes life plays a few little tricks on you, but that's absolutely fine with me if it's just little tricks. I am used to them anyway. But why must things be so unfair to certain people? Is it true that if they get something, they must give up something? That's how fair it is? I don't know, but i certainly hope i could change some things. But how?
It's cutting, bit by bit, flesh by flesh. I really wish i could just do something, and whatever the outcome i imagined it will be will just all come true; for once, i just need it to happen once! I meant, i believe whatever happened before is real - it's not just a dream that will be gone once awoken. I believe whatever is happening is due to stress, fatigue and probably many other factors that are branched out due to the two main factors. I meant like often, it's kind of hard to listen to what your heart wants, especially you are the type that has such a dominating brain that will even sway your hard. Mental stamina, i must say, is the hardest to train up. Things like fatigue and stress can easily overcome whatever mental stamina you have.
Why are things happening like this? I don't enjoy seating by and watching things go on like this. This is not a serial drama that happens. I know what i see in serial dramas are not true but this is not - this is 100% true. Am i like destined to sit by and watch things happen without me able to do anything? Okay yes probably i did something, but i feel it's not enough, because the situation is aggravating. I don't even dare to imagine what can happen if i let this carry on like this. It's not just me to sit back and watch things happen like that. I just can't bear to sit back and heck care. HOW?! HOW?! HOW?!
Before you want to take care of someone else, make sure you are fully able to take care of yourself first. :)Wish we could just fly in the skies. :)
3:47:00 pm
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Okay okay. This is going to be a dead blog that DECOMPOSES like Mozart after he dies if i continue to let it rot. Crap.
So i was back from Air Specialist Course Phase I on Thursday, but really, i was too worn out to blog then. Haha. I went to the camp already worn out, so i only survived with panadol i think, to stop my nose from overflowing with you-know-what. xP Oh and i was the Assistant Platoon Commander (APC) of PEGASUS 3! :)
Okay i really don't know what to blog about Specialist Course. First reason is because i didn't went there as a cadet, but as a cadet officer - a trainer. Second reason is before i arrive at the camp, i was already 75% dead, so i have only faint impression about it. I think i must have look seriously horrible during the camp - like as though i was emo-ing most of the time or something. Haha. In addition to that, i did not have good sleeps during the night - on a certain night, i didn't even sleep! xP
Let's start with Monday - total chaotic. Haha. I had Wu Shu training that day, and i have to wake up feeling totally not okay. My nose was overflowing with mucus, probably because i didn't sleep well the night before. It was horrible - real horrible! After Wu shu was a rush back home to catch some less than one hour sleep, before rushing to pack my bag and off i go to book in. We trainers have to book in the night before to settle administrative matters. So we had the briefings and so on, which carried out slowly, as usual, until about 11 plus and then we got to go sleep. Thankfully we have an empty bunk for some of us to sleep, if not my nose will only get worse! But it's hot at the start. I got some rest though in the end, thanks to the rain at night, and the panadol i took. :)
First day of specialist course. Briefing in the morning, as usual. Then we were sent out to our respective duties. I was originally supposed to dispatched the cadets into platoons, but i run around instead, as the cadets that came later are going everywhere, instead of the lower parade square. I never really got to see my platoon before they were sent of to the MPH for the opening address. That's what's bad about the camp - not much time for platoon interaction with the PCs and APCs. Rest of the day was rather dry for me - going through magazine filling and then test in the afternoon for Griffin Company. Haha. I almost developed a phobia for that 'cling cling' sound when the rounds drop. Bleh. Oh and they had GSK test at night, and that's where i became useful. I am sure those from my platoon will agree with me. :) After Action Review (AAR) was conducted for trainers. It started late, and thus ended late. -.-
Second day morning was disastrous, thanks to panadol. I'm not going to mention what exactly happened though. You know means you know, if you don't, then too bad. xP Second day can say it's the most interesting day, though the visit to Singapore Discovery Centre in the morning wasn't very amusing to me - well it is to some. :) The visit to IGTS in the afternoon for Pegasus Company was much better. We trainers got the chance to familiarize ourselves with the 3 weapons, namely Matador (anti tank weapon), M203 (grenade launcher) and GPMG (General Purpose Machine Gun). It's IMT only, not live firing - it ain't that good. Haha. I tried them before during 56th Cadet Officer course but this time round we can try all we want! :) I had many tries before the cadets finally came, especially Matador, since i'm put in charge of that weapon, and i did demos for many times. Oh and i originally planned to have at least some interaction on the bus, but they all chose to have their eye lids interacting with their eyeballs, so i might as well let them sleep. :) At night after they came back was airmanship test, and that was where i became useful again. Answering machine. Haha. :) Note that i only helped them with their revision, and nothing else! AAR at night as usual for the trainers, and it ended hell late.
Spent the whole night marking and remarking the airmanship test, thanks to some counting error. Well i wanted all of them to pass, so i don't mind staying up all night to recheck the marks again. :) Third day of the course was basically the usual stuff, with trainfire again in the morning for Pegasus company - "cling cling cling" of rounds again. Bleh. Oh and there was a PT test in the morning - 30 push ups in 1 minute and 30 sit ups in 1 minute - no challenge. xP After that was AAR, clean bunk, a short time for them to write APPRAISAL FOR THE OC, PC, APC and the LOGISTICS TEAM(should have told them earlier, then i won't get only descriptions of me being like an answering machine. xP), and then change to no. 3 and off they go for the passing out ceremony. Yay! Pegasus 3 got 3 out of 13 awards! xD Catholic High NCC AIR got 2 awards too! xD
Well, that probably sums up for spec course. I didn't go much into details, since i really don't remember much of the details. xP Sorry la. My mind was a little dead huh.
You got to do what you expect others to do. For that, i will. :)Do me a favour. If you guys pass by, just drop me a tag so that my tagboard won't die. :)
3:43:00 pm
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Why do i always see things that are linked to my thoughts and the things that are happening during that period of time, and that provoked my thoughts even more? o.O Haha. But if they don't, i won't really bother or even take notice about them, would i? Hehe. I don't think so.
Oh well. The weather recently is really really HOT! It's so hot that it's confusing my thoughts and emotions already, as it is making me extremely tired! RAH! I think it's not just me, but i kind of feel a little weird already. Hope i'm not going to lose my head. Haha. I'm still flying tomorrow. :) Oh and i still have a lot of stuff to do, but where's my motivation and determination? They seemed to be vanishing from me thanks to this heat! Ahh!! Hopes that this heat can cool down soon, before it gets into my head and drives all my motivation to do anything away. :)
Patience is to be developed - take a step back, maybe you would see something new. xDHope it helps! :)
10:13:00 pm
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Lots of things have been happening recently, but my blog is still left dead. Haha. Where got time to bother about my blog when so many things are happening? Initially i thought June holidays was supposed for me to cool down and chill off a little, since there's no school to manage, but after 1 week, it seemed that it's not really the case. I'm really okay with being worn out, because it's not only me, but i really don't enjoy the weird weird feelings that does damages to us both. Haha. Especially when it always hit me when i was not in the right state of mind and led me to an emotions upheaval. I didn't have the right mind to think then, and plainly just thought that by provoking, it would work. Well, the provoking DID worked, but i provoked some thoughts that i didn't intend to. Lesson learnt: Think of the consequences carefully first. If not i may get killed without knowing. :)
It's not all bad this week though. In fact, it's most of the time good. :) Maybe that's why i'm too busy enjoying myself then to care about this blog. xP See it's not all bad! I'm not EMO okay? Haha. However, i'm just lazy to talk about the good stuff. xP Okay i really don't know what to blog already. This was just a random attempt to save my blog. Haha. Days when i know what to blog, i always don't have the time to. Now i don't feel like talking about what have passed, so that's it! xD
It's not going to be easy, yet i'm not going to give up! So have some faith and confidence in me. I will do my best no matter what.Time will tell. :)
12:27:00 pm
Monday, June 01, 2009
Haiz. Okay, what a way to start the post. It's the first post of the month somemore. Today went for some test at CMPB area, quite a weird test i must say, and i think i didn't do quite well. I really have my fingers crossed this time that i can pass both test so that i can continue flying, and become a pilot. =X
Enough about the test. I been hit back again. Is it because of what happened on that fateful friday (29/5)? I feel so helpless once again, like i'm no longer able to help cheer someone up again. What happened? I seemed lost again. Where's my direction? Where's my heading? Where am i? I don't know. It's just like suddenly i got to know some person appeared and things start to change, or did they change at all? Was i helpless from the start? So many questions filled my mind, but i don't even have an answer for anyone of them. Am i thinking too much? I seriously have no idea. I don't want to entertain those thoughts at all, but they just flood my mind like some overflowing sink. What is this feeling? EMO? Why? I DON'T KNOW!!! AHHH!!! Going mad already! I don't even know what's going on... =X
I can't see anything in front of me - afraid to take the next step out.I need a change of light bulb. =X
11:56:00 am