It pains my heart, it really pains my heart just now. It's like needles piercing through one by one - the pain didn't come so quickly, and i was being so indifferent about it till now. I acted so nonchalant, been so sarcastic. I guess i was mad at myself just now. Now that i taken a cool shower and regained my composure, my mind is finally thinking straight. I really can't fathom my actions just now.
It's like i am going through my O levels all over again. However, this time the feeling is much worse than before. I rather i was the one sitting the O levels and i am the one who has to go through all this. Now i realised how fortunate i was to be able to be able to survive my year. I don't want all that happened to me last year to happen to you, not even a single bit. It's just like looking straight at my reflection - things i wish i didn't do and regretted deeply come replaying back. What's done cannot be undone. My time is over and i can't really do anything about it. But yours ain't.
I know i am being extremely selfish. I can't help it. I am really afraid of losing you. Maybe staying here isn't really the best for you, but i choose to ignore any other options, because i really really hope you could stay here and not go back at all. But who am i to decide your life? Who am i to force you? I am like forcing you to perform well so that you can stay, forcing you to try your best to no matter what. Sometimes i get overwhelmed by the desire for you to stay and end up like trying to control your life. I can't pull myself away from this. I'm stuck.
I used to really owl till quite late at night. By that time, it's already morning already since it's passed 12 midnight. I didn't really enjoyed that myself, and i told myself that i would change umpteen times, but i just wouldn't. I was worn out in the morning easily, even when i sat for exam papers or class test or whatever test. Due to the state of my wearied mind, i was never able to score to my fullest potential - often screwing the paper up due to careless mistakes or forgotten whatever that i have studied etc. Nothing stays in my brain when i'm tired, and i'm sure it's the same for the rest too.
The last straw was drawn when i had my prelim 3 results out. I don't want to elaborate on it, but you know what happened, i hope. I finally decided to change. I slept early at night because i was usually worn out from studying in the day. That time onwards, my mind worked much better, and i could take rest whenever there is lesser work to do. That is obviously much better than when you are forced to rest because you are too tired but you still have tons of work to do. Of course i am able to control my mind much better and get the motivation to study much easier. My memory power increased and of course my mood gets better while i was studying. Don't you want all these? o.O
Enough of my story. If you are really going for it, I don't want to let you sink deeper and deeper into it now. If not sooner or later you will just can't get to sleep, and things will go worse. I know best since i been through it once. 12 midnight becomes 1am, 1am becomes 2am, 2am becomes 3am. If your body pushes you into sleep, then you definitely won't get a good one. I was able to correct my habit, so can you. If you are willing, i can guide you to it. I don't enjoy being naggy. But i just can't stand by and do nothing when you are repeating my process. I nag because i care. Sleep early please! xD
Your life can change drastically at any moment. Don't take life or the people that you love for granted, you're only here once.You are only here once too. Took me close to 4 hours to post this. =X
8:39:00 pm