Sunday, March 29, 2009
I think i am a bit of a paranoid - yes that is just me. =X I think if i tell you how paranoid i can get last time, you will laugh your teeth out - even i laugh at myself about that. My brain is just too active, even when i am physically worn out to the maximum, as long as i am not dead/asleep yet, my mind will still work on intensively. I tried my very very best to control it nowadays, and well, at least i made improvements. I need some help on that. I know i am troublesome enough to be asking for assurance and so on, but i am just human, so i am not exactly perfect in any sense.
I couldn't help thinking when i am stranded in mid air normally. Because i do not know the reasons, i may jump into conclusions to the negative side easily. Perhaps why negative side is because i don't really have that much confidence to jump all the way to the extreme positive side - sometimes i do actually. When something happened negatively, of course that will incline me to think of the negative side, instead of any other reasons. By staying aloof, you are further confirming my negative thoughts, like you are trying not to care about it already or anything.
Roller coaster ride is tiring. One moment is this, and the next moment everything changes altogether. Once or twice i may not think of anything, but if it happens more than that, then i will start to think again. RAH! Why can't my mind be good at thinking for my Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Economics, GP and Project Work? o.O I am glued to this roller coaster ride - just can't seem to bear to take myself away from it.
The effects of some small things is really miraculous.I'm going mad... =X
4:06:00 pm
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I am not even sure why did i am still on the com for anyway. Well, since i am already online, i might as well blog a little, before weariness catch up with me and haunt me down again. =X
Today was FOL (Festival Of Life). Where in the world is the email they're supposed to send me huh? In the end, i got kind of scammed and reached school at 7.30am, when i am only needed to report at 8.20am. -_-" It's been a such a long time since i have been that early for anything already. LOL. My workshop today is B-boying - was told it was commonly wrongly referred to as breakdance. Haha. It's really not bad. We learnt quite a few moves despite the short time given, and i managed to do some freezes. :) Well, i must say it was quite an enjoyable course - despite my lack of sleep, i am still able to comprehend what is the course about. It's quite a satisfying course indeed! :)
It's amazing how something so small can have a huge impact on other stuff.Roller coaster ride.
9:29:00 pm
Saturday, March 21, 2009
My mood's swaying like the weather outside. Well, it's raining now with lightning and thunder so you don't expect me in any good mood... No. It's not because of anything else; i promised not to, and i won't. It's just that my head feels so heavy now, and it's spinning. I still have things undone that needs to be rushed out so i can't really go and rest. Crap. My fault. Who ask me to leave everything to now and do? -_-
Haiz. This blog is going to become my ranting blog at the rate this is going. When i'm happy i'll be so busy enjoying that i don't really have time to spare and blog (duh!). Haha. I should brace myself up la. *smacks* Alright. Going to heck what i'm feeling now and carry on what i'm supposed to do. Perhaps that will cheer me up a little. xD
You will be what you believe you are. Listen to your heart, trust your heart, not your mind. xDFlying soul. xP
4:24:00 pm
Friday, March 20, 2009
I was searching for something really really important yesterday, that this stupid guy sitting down here typing this post carelessly misplaced it somewhere - I regretted it a lot. =X
So i did a little packing of my room, mainly just organised things a little. I didn't find the very important thing that i wanted to find, but instead i found other things that sent me back down the memory lane...
27th October - People born on this day can be highly emotional. They regularly achieve their goals and will always be honest. They are prepared to admit defeat.
This is what i saw on the key chain i got. How true, especially the first sentence. I found other stuff as well - some old photos taken when i was young that i can't help saying "OMG!" and started "LOL-ing" at them, and some letters that reminds me of many things, just by reading them. I remember we were told to write letters to our classmates during the holidays (i couldn't really remember which one was it, but i think it's the December holidays) by our Primary 5 form teacher. I can imagine how weird it was then for us to write, because we don't really know what to write. It was something worth remembering, but i guess in our busy lives, many of us forget about it already - that is including me. I can't help but wonder anyone except me kept those letters.
I am very sentimental. I can't bear to abandon old stuff and go for new ones most of the time. Even if i eventually end up with something new, i couldn't really bear to discard any of the old stuff, unless it's really spoilt, then i would discard it with a tinge of regret in me. Being obstinate to change is probably another way to put it. I guess i inherited this trait from my mother, both of us being so unwilling to throw/give away things that we insist there is a use for it, but usually we don't use them. It goes the same for people i guess - the more i want to forget them, the more they remain vivid in my mind, and vice versa.
The best feeling in the world comes from having a friend in return to care for you.I would, I shall, and I must take it slowly.
11:12:00 am
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I should be posting about this yesterday but somehow i didn't. I was sort of racing against time you see, and perhaps someone knows the reason why. xP
Alright. I am back from Wu Shu camp yesterday afternoon. It's quite a short camp i must say, compared to those long 3D2N camps that i used to have, where you report early early in the morning of the 1st day. CHS NCC AIR people should know what i mean. :) Anyway, the camp was quite okay - not too boring but i must admit it's not really very fun either. There was quite a bit of stoning time, which i never fail to find something to do - thankful for that. I am learning my routine well and fast enough. YaY! I suppose my only problem is to be less stiff - can't really help it except trying to relax as much as possible. The training was tough to a certain extent, since i chose not to slack a lot, so i ended up sweating a lot. xP I think that's all for the camp. I don't really have much to say about it.
I am losing faith. I am losing trust. I am losing motivation. Crap. I am losing it! RAH! I don't know what to say. I tried my very very best to control myself, but i just can't seem to not be led away by the things i see. I don't even dare to use the word misled rather than led away because i am not even sure of stuff anymore. A moment everything seemed so true, the next moment everything seemed so blur. I am losing the sense of security already, because i can't fathom what are you thinking. You are just so mysterious, and i dared not probe because i don't want to enforce any stress on you, like as though i am questioning you or something. All i want is just you to be happy, that's all. But i don't even know what you want. Are you really happy like this? I just don't understand. What do you really want? Maybe i am just not the person to hear you out.
You will only enjoy the most when you are working for something you truly want.I need assurance from you. =X
2:31:00 pm
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Yesterday has been a fulfilling day. I am not really sure why, but apparently i had this very strong feeling that i have done a lot yesterday. Perhaps a lot happened yesterday, and it seemed like a very very long day to me. What a mental challenge for me! xP
I read something quite interesting - kind of true i must say. However, I am not going to provide any links to what i have read, lest people starts venturing to think of something and starts to imagining things. xP Maybe by typing the previous sentence is already provoking their imagination. Haha.
Alright, i am going off soon to Wu Shu camp. It feels rather weird actually, since i will be back tomorrow anyway. I don't really know what we are going to do there, but i do really hope that it's not of much stoning. Till then, see you! :)
All the best in whatever you do! Good luck! xDTime to rush off. xP
12:52:00 pm
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Woohoo! I am well alive again! xD xD I think i am getting more and more confidence already. Ain't that good? xP Haha. It has been a roller coaster ride, up and down and up and down. The irony is that this is what makes life exciting and unique. LOL. I sound enlightened.
Okay, i shall sidetrack a little.
CHS NCC AIR PART Cs '09 please take note! Whoever that went for the post interview may not meant that they are assured a post, and whoever that didn't went for it doesn't mean that you are guaranteed in Supreme Council. All i want to say is that no matter what post you guys get, be in the post you want or don't want, got post or no post, you guys stay as a part, as Part Cs '09! That is then the very 30 people of Part As '07 and Part Bs '08! All the best! You guys ROCKS!! xD
To whom it my concern, I am making improvements! YaY! :) I know things will not go very smoothly, and so i try my very best to put myself into your shoes. Rest assured that no matter what happens, be it anything like recently or some other things, i will be always here for you! Thanks for everything! Merci beacoup!! xD
I must keep in mind the fact that i am extremely fortunate to get to know you! xD
11:33:00 pm
Such a rare chance that i will blog so early. It seems that i have been blogging everyday since Thursday, as though i suddenly revive back my blog at such a rapid rate. Rapid again...
I am disappointed by myself. Why do i like to rush into things so frequently? Why am i so impatient? I am so easily swayed here and there, and i put my very best into everything, but is that the cause why i am overdoing somethings? I think i overstep the boundary already. That is why i am feeling the aftereffects of my actions. I still think that i think too much most of the time, which will link and link further away because i will be swayed to think more and more. That's crappy.
I got to learn how to control myself. If not, i will start to escape again. This morning already like that. I don't see the point of waking up, but somehow i force myself to, because i hate escaping. I always let myself dive deep into situations, and i always ended up drowning myself in them. After which, i would save myself - it takes time, and when i am successful, i will avoid things again. Until some time later when things fade off, i will dive deep down again. It's a vicious cycle that will not stop unless i do something to it. I agree with that, but question is how? o.O
My greatest mistakes should be my impatience and my stubbornness to accept changes.Phobias are scary. Sorry. =X
11:48:00 am
Saturday, March 14, 2009
What goes up must always come down.Must that sentence up there really be true? Will things just fade away as time goes by? This 'gravity' is seriously so strong, whatever momentum you got at the start might not last long enough to counter it. It takes lots of effort to maintain it high up there, and sooner or later you'll get tired at times, but there are people that make it, so it isn't really impossible.
I think rushing into things shouldn't really be the way to do it. But in my eagerness to maintain things high up there, i always subconsciously did that. In the end, either things go haywire or someone starts to get jaded and it will drop. I am sucked in so deep, so much so that i could not pull myself out of the situation sometimes. I really hope more sleep would help, best is to cure all this.
I am loading myself with commitments. I do want them, but it's really not easy to take up so many things. Am i right by doing all this? Looks like i really got prioritise and see where i stand. Actually, it's not that i can't do it or unwilling to do it, it's just that the clock is ticking away so quickly, and you can't control it. In addition, I am still a pro procrastinator that keeps leaving things behind. I am really losing motivation already. WHERE'S MY MOTIVATION?!?! RAH! I guess i need to sleep...
I hope i am not forcing you in anyway... but yet i still feel like i am. Am i?Complicated. Such an irony.
4:08:00 pm
Friday, March 13, 2009
This post is written with someone in mind, but it's directed to everyone else as well. If that specific someone is reading this, which maybe you won't, please do not blame yourself for this. :( I am just analysing myself, that's all. It's not your fault. Continue to enjoy! xD
What a nice time to start a post. Anyway, pardon the way i phrase my sentences here. Somehow just felt like using this way to phrase, if not i'll feel worse. Backspaced the previous post i typed and decided not to put it up. Too bad. You will never know the contents of that. xP
Okay la. This marks the start of zibei-ing. Sorry if i say i wouldn't, i just couldn't promise that i wouldn't. Sian luh. I still feel like i am being thrown back whenever something more important is coming on the way. Like duh, of course if something is more important it should be dealt with first la, but somehow like a lot of things is more important. Lols. I think i sound like someone trying to seek attention, like very childish. I don't know how, i don't know why, but it seems that it somehow brought back this childish side of me, of being such a "小气鬼" and so easy to get jealous. Yes, your eyes didn't fail you. I do get jealous sometimes you know. xP I heard from somewhere that when you get jealous over someone, means you care a lot about that someone. Is that true? o.O
I think i'm getting super duper weird and strange. I can even get high while zibei-ing now. Or perhaps it's just that i was already high just now le. It's still better than i start writing in full complete sentences and then i start to think and think. I think i am seriously getting more and more boring as a person already, with all the 'talking' and all the 'advice' (how big you want the sarcasm to be is up to you). Maybe i have make you feel as though i have seen a lot, which you probably doubt that i did. I should get back to become more and more childish. Perhaps then i could be less boring. Should I? o.O I don't know. You tell me.
I am like always following people around, trying to mix into any group of people that i am okay with. Sometimes i would be successful, other times i would end up falling and hurting myself with much bruises - that is when i keep my mouth shut. No matter how i mix in, it's just like that point of time only, after that i need to 're-enter' all over again. I supposed a ball would be a good analogy to describe me - rolling around, tossing from one point to another.
Sometimes Most of the time, when i do not have enough sleep, i'll just get sianed and keep quiet all the way, and then fade into my shadows... *poof* i disappeared. At those times, i exist = i don't exist.
Okay i should be sleeping ages ago. I think i'll be screwed even at the last day of school. Maybe i am asking for too much. Maybe i am doing too much. Maybe i shouldn't be so selfish. Maybe i shouldn't be so selfless. Maybe what? YOU tell me.
Always in search of someone who will place me as one of the top priorities. Will YOU? o.OI still have a tinge of feeling that i am forcing you to be one. :(
12:00:00 am
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I appreciate the effort to keep my blog alive. Thanks. (: I thought of blogging on a few occasions, but obviously i didn't. I think i am slapping my own mouth with my last post, it's just that my blog ain't a living thing, so it really doesn't makes a difference as to whether i tell my blog i am busy or what. Never mind if you don't get what i am trying to say. I know i didn't do a good job phrasing over here.
I think one reason as to why i didn't really blog frequently is because my brain don't seem to function well. I can literally understand something during lessons - that includes know how to apply it to questions as well. It all seemed so simple at the lectures, but the next time when i faced them in the tutorials, i just stare at it blindly, because i seemed to forget everything. That's a big problem already, because that's where procrastination kicks in. When i suddenly do not understand everything, my motivation just dwindle and disappeared. The next thing i will do is obvious - procrastinate. Seriously, my work ain't a lot yet. I just can't fathom why i just can't seem to complete them. Maybe my heart is somewhere else while i am doing them.
Being happy is what's keeping me awake, but after things start to quieten down a little, the effects of that will start to wear off and the weariness is back on full scale. I guess the March holidays next week will come in handy. I think i am weird enough, because only now then i feel the force of my commitments, maybe because i used to do whatever i want according to my mood. Time to learn some responsibility. Please do take note, the above only applies to me. JC life ain't that hectic at this moment - not yet.
Let's jiayou together! xD But before that, let's rest first.Unlimited wants - limited resources - scarcity.
6:59:00 pm
Thursday, March 05, 2009
It's back and it hit me hard once again. Does it ever hit you that you might me neglecting someone when you are busy with your own stuff? If that someone you are neglecting may not be that close to you, perhaps that's reasonable, and he or she may not feel that neglected as well. The problem comes in deep when the person you are neglecting is close to you. Have you ever thought that how much you will hurt that person? Perhaps by not answering him or her it may be okay. What if you decide to give answers such as 'lols' or 'haha' without even reading carefully what he or she is trying to tell you?
Imagine this. You tells someone close to you this, "I just fell down and i'm in great pain now!" And then the next moment, the reply you got from that someone is, "lols" or "haha". How would you feel? Do you feel like an idiot? Do you even have this tinge of feeling that he or she does not really bothers about you at all? What do 'lols' and 'haha' really means? It is so way commonly used now when whoever uses it doesn't know what to reply, and then conveniently used them to show an 'act of response' so that he or she will not be known as the 'daoster'. It's not that i'm totally against this, but too much usage of this makes the conversation seriously meaningless. The other party will feel like he or she is talking to himself or herself when you keep replying 'haha' or 'lols' every sentence.
The ultimate would be this. Someone tells you, "I am very depressed now... I feel like jumping off the building from where i am now." You are busy with your stuff and then you just reply a 'haha' or 'lols' after briefly reading through the message. Guess what happens next? You will find him or her lying in a pool of blood under that very place where he or she sent the last message to you. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST KILLED SOMEONE!
Yes it is true that it may not be that serious a case sometimes, but how long does it takes to read the text properly and then perhaps say something like, "Sorry. I am busy with my work now. I'll get back to you later okay?" If he or she starts irritating you by saying no and then crapping, be my guest to ignore him or her, i support you on that. My point is this, at least be sure that your friend is alright before you leave him or her to fend for themselves alone. It wouldn't kill you to just read properly what he or she just said, would it?
Think twice before you say anything. No use regretting after that... the damage is already dealt.Words kill. =X
11:01:00 pm
Monday, March 02, 2009
LOL. I seriously cannot believe that my ears were working fine when i heard that i looked like someone from the clubs and societies CCA in Secondary School. No offence to anyone from the clubs and societies CCA though. Do i really look like someone from clubs and societies huh? Haha never mind.
Anyway, i got to think of ways to manage my stuff. If things carry on like this, i will get very unproductive, and then waste a lot of time. My main problem should be not able to link what i want to do with actions. It sounds like i am a NATO (No Action Talk Only). Haha. I think i am so used to the 'do what i want' lifestyle until i have trouble coping now with my own stuff coming up. Every second seems so vital to me now. I hope i will be able to maximise my time fully without holding my health at stake. Jiayou to myself! (:
The period of time now when i am waiting for my source of motivation to be back is the hardest to endure.Now i really get the meaning of unlimited wants. xP
7:07:00 pm
Sunday, March 01, 2009
I think I'm getting lazier and lazier as the days go by. My procrastinating habit is back. Every time i want to do something, i will find some excuse and tell myself that i will do it tomorrow. However, the 'tomorrow' never ever seems to come at all. I guess i really deserve the title 'Pro^2crastinator', because i don't only procrastinate things i don't really enjoy doing but i have to do. -_-"
I wonder how do you link your heart to your brain and then to your body to carry out the actions. It's like they are at separate departments now that never coincides with each other, thus not working with each other. Perhaps it's because i think i am dreaming most of the time - not only when i am asleep, but even when i am awake as well. Economics comes in here again (it really relates huh) - scarcity. I suppose we do have unlimited wants, in the case of me, i do 'dream' a lot. That is the resources that's available, in most cases it's time, is a finite resource. 24 hours a day and i am trying to pack everything up as closely as possible, yet it is ultimately extremely hard to follow it. I think i am being far too unrealistic; but if we do have to go everything by logic and be realistic all the time, where are we going to get all our excitement and enjoyment from? So which is better? Being unrealistic for a moment and get disappointed if it don't really turn out as what you may have expected it to, or be realistic all of the time and sacrifice the hope and desire for probably a higher return?
The former is probably a gamble, and the latter, a safer and smoother way. I still think i am a 'gambling addict'. It is still better to take the risk and hope for a better result, than to sit down and think realistically how and what can only be achieved. The former will at least provide you with a glimmer of hope - no matter how small it is, it's still better then no hope at all. And that is me, my personality. Because i always have 'fanciful dreams' that motivates me to push myself harder, but seriously it is hard to maintain the motivation for it to translate to my actions. How am i going to make those 'fanciful dreams' come true? o.O
Disappointments may pull me back somehow, and led me astray with my thoughts. It's just like hitting me off the road i am walking with a huge injury. I feel that i have conflicting personalities inside me. What do i really want??
Dreams may end up being sweet, or it may end up being a nightmare. What is the key to make it sweet then?I need motivation to keep my going. Push me on, and not pull me back... Please.
4:30:00 pm